Friends, like you all, I have been searching my heart and seeking to make sense of this strange time we are living in. The journey of the last couple of months has been a bit of a roller coaster for me.
At first, I felt I was handling news of the virus pretty well. I felt grateful to be in good health and to be able to continue my work remotely by connecting with my clients by phone for healing sessions and with students via Zoom for sharing teachings.
Because I was in a good place personally, my focus was on finding ways to offer help and support to others. I did this by making contributions to organizations working on the front lines; by reaching out to my friends, family, clients, students, neighbors; and by coordinating a free healing circle for individuals to come together to receive support and to send love, prayers, and blessings to our world.
I pretty quickly accepted that I would need to shift some of my plans and change my life around. I had bought my retreat home in Julian back in December and had originally planned to host retreats here and rent it out for AirBnB when I was not facilitating healing gatherings.
I was already doubting the AirBnB part of the plan, and with the pandemic, that option was clearly off the table. So, I decided the only thing that made sense financially was to move and live here full-time. I didn’t rush but gave myself time to discuss my plans with friends and family and to meditate/pray on it.
I bought a new journal and began dreaming and visioning for myself and for our collective future. From a Shamanic perspective, this life is a dream. It’s a dream that we are co-creating with Spirit. And anytime we want to change our reality, we can begin dreaming a new dream.
So, “Dreaming a New Dream” became the theme of this time for me. I began to ask myself what kind of world I wanted to live in, what I wanted to look back on in my final days, what was really most important to me, what I wanted to give my life force energy to, what I wanted my day to day to look like going forward.
Thankfully, I was able to do a solo ceremony to honor the pilgrimage journey I was supposed to make in March to the sacred lands of the Huichol for my 5th year initiation and blessing. During this ceremony, I shed many tears of sorrow and grief for the ways my life and our world did not align with my values and dreams.
In that ceremony, I was given a lot of guidance on how to shift things to be in greater alignment with my heart’s truth. The essence of the wisdom can be summed into three words: SIMPLICITY, SUSTAINABILITY, and SOCIAL RESPONSIBILITY.
These three values are very near and dear to my heart, but when I look at my life in recent years, I had strayed away from truly living in alignment with these values. Now, life was presenting me with a reality check and an opportunity to do things differently.
Initially, I was excited to make changes that would be help me live in greater alignment with my core values and in greater harmony and balance with the Earth. But when I actually made the first major decision to leave my condo in the city and move to Julian and began sorting through my things and packing them, I hit a wall of fear, doubt, indecision, sadness, and worry.
I worried about being alone and lonely. I feared the impact my move would have on my relationships. I wondered how this would impact my work. I got scared thinking of the cold winters. I was nervous my dog would get tick bites. I was sad to leave my neighbors and loved ones.
At times I felt overwhelmed by all the things I needed to take care of and all the decisions I needed to make. “Who the hell moves in the middle of a pandemic?” I wondered to myself. The simplest of logistics seemed super complicated in a lockdown.
And truth be told, I thought of changing my mind a million times. Even once I got through the packing and had everything in my new home, I was tempted to run back several times. I would burst into tears as my emotions fluctuated.
Three things helped me navigate this: 1) Continuing my spiritual practices even when I could not feel the connection, peace, and joy they normally brought. 2) Surrendering and handing things over to Spirit again and again as I caught myself trying to figure things out with so many unknowns. 3) Being patient and not acting too hastily when the fears and doubts crept in.
Along the way, I had many moments of insight. One of them was that this is what a spiritual test feels like. The life I had known was upended not only by the reality of the pandemic but also by the changes I was making in my life. I knew that on a soul/essence level, I had made a decision to live through this time, but my human self was struggling with the reality and wondering what the purpose in it all was.
The stress of this time showed me where there were cracks in the spiritual foundation I had laid for my life. I was distressed for several days not only because of the emotional roller coaster and inner conflict I was experiencing, but also because of how disconnected I felt from my inner joy, the beauty all around me, and my connection to Spirit.
Then, one day, I realized that I was looking to external circumstances as the source of peace, comfort, and joy. A part of me wanted to run back to the safety of the life I had known because even though it had been upended, it was more familiar than a move to the mountains and all the changes that would bring. I was trying to make the right decisions, thinking if I chose the right circumstance, I would be ok and at peace. But I knew better.
I had learned long ago that there is no perfect place, no perfect body size, no perfect job, no perfect relationship, no perfect amount of money, no perfect title that would bring about peace and happiness. I was being reminded that inner peace and joy are an inside job, and that if external circumstances could rob me of it, the foundation needed strengthening.
As I reflected on this, I remembered one of my favorite teachings that comes to my rescue again and again: “If it doesn’t feel good, it’s not of Spirit.” That was the moment the shift began for me. In that moment, I realized I was getting hooked by the fears and resistance of the ego. Even when our hearts and souls clearly call us towards change, the ego can put up a great fight.
It was at that point that I was able to really let go and embrace what was ahead even though I could not see it clearly. I was once again able to pray with a more open heart and really feel the truth and power of my prayers. My trust and faith returned. The allies who would assist me on this journey showed up.
I felt connected to myself and Spirit once again. My joy came back. I was able to take in the beauty all around me. It was such a relief. And looking back, I was able to see that in addition to getting hooked by fears, I had been grieving all that I was leaving behind, and also that I had been feeling and navigating through the grief, sorrow, fear that’s in our collective consciousness at this time.
Sitting here a week after I felt I got back to my heart and soul, I am grateful for the spiritual opportunity of this time. My heart breaks for all the pain and suffering that’s in our world. And I hope we can use this time to awaken to a higher level of individual and collective consciousness.
Many of us are realizing that our old ways were full of unhealthy and unsustainable patterns and habits that took a toll on us, our relationships, and our planet.
If we take this opportunity to really dig deep while some of our distractions are on pause, perhaps we will connect to our core values and begin making small or big changes that will soothe our souls, lighten our hearts, ease the stress on our bodies and minds, strengthen our relationships, and benefit the Earth.
Most all spiritual traditions encourage us to spend extended periods of time in solitude, meditation, and prayer. They invite us to pause the external activity and noise, so we can really connect to our hearts and spirits and to the Great Mystery that we are part of.
Times of solitude can help us connect to Essence, Source, Love, and the Truth of who we really are and who we want to become. They can help strengthen our spiritual connection and accelerate our spiritual growth.
While these times are painful and uncomfortable as we face inner demons and tough truths, the rewards of doing the deep spiritual work are immense. Just as our bodies grow stronger when we work out, our spirits grow stronger with spiritual tests, soul searching, and conscious renewal of our ways of being.
So, I invite us to see this time of change and challenge as both a spiritual test and an incredibly powerful spiritual opportunity, one that has the potential to permanently change the trajectory of our individual lives and our collective consciousness for the better.
Many blessings to you as you navigate this journey of learning and growth. If you have anything you’d like to share of your journey or comments on what I’ve shared, please don’t hesitate to email me.
With love and gratitude,
Parminder